The Real Reason Behind College Textbook Prices
Written by E.W. August 21st, 2022
Disclaimer: This article is fictional, but some of the chemicals, and their dangers, are not. Do not play with any of the hazardous materials mentioned, as they may pose a real danger.
Many college classes require textbooks for learning. Most of them don't give you them, but instead require you buy them, which can be very frustrating since many college students are already low on money from paying admission and rent. 'Why must these text books cost so much?' Is a question many people have asked. Well today, you will find out that perhaps these prices aren't so bad after all.
The first thing to notice about these textbooks is the quality of their binding. Their binding materials, though seemingly normal, are much nicer and more valuable than you might have thought. For instance, the binding is woven by a material commonly known as unicorn hair. Scientists have used their cloning and genetic altering technology to breed unicorns into existence so that your textbooks may have the highest quality binding. They have spent near a trillion dollars and over 100 years working on this project to make textbooks have more degraded quality bindings but extreme value.
The next waste of our tax dollars includes the material of the paper they use to make these textbooks. This material is an organic material made up of a compound mixing together both ivory and the trees they cut down from the deforestation project. This compound makes every page worth around 50 cents currently, and makes them fall apart at a moments notice. So much as looking at a page of this material may make it turn to dust. And the best part is you are now under their control because they can black mail you for having ivory products.
The cover is no different, either. It was constructed from a ratio of 3% card stock, 4% potassium, and 93% Uranium-358. This chemical compound not only ramps up the value of the textbook by nearly 3 million dollars, but also will give you a warrant for your arrest in 53 of the 79 states. Worst of all, this chemical can alter your thoughts to make you think it was a good purchase idea. Not to mention this compound makes the textbook weigh approximately 3 tons.
What could be worse than this, you might ask? Well, there is one thing left to account for; the ink. Many people don't realize that the ink in their college textbooks is made of something special, but boy are they wrong. The ink in college textbooks is made of a compound of Black Widow Venom, Coleopteran Beetle Extract, Mercury, uranium 376, and Dimethylcadmium. This compound, valued at about 385 billion dollars, is so toxic and deadly that it makes you an international enemy of the U.N., and will make you wanted to the extent nuclear warfare tactics will be re-approved to stop you. But don't worry, as if you are in possession of one of these textbooks, simply coming on contact with temperatures over 40 Degrees Centigrade will cause a nuclear meltdown that, when mixed with Dimethylcadmium, will cause an explosion so large that the united nations will become the least of your worries, as the intergalactic government that is the cheese industry will detonate the earth to prevent the chemicals from spreading.
So, now that you know the truth about textbooks, is it really that bad of a purchase? After all, the worst that can happen is the extinction of all mankind on Earth.
